Late night thought – Perhaps, I should start saying yes more.
Ever thought that the thing that has been holding you back from accomplishing great things is, well, yourself? Seize the opportunity, they say. Stop being your anchor. The mountain is you. All those quotes I have come across throughout the course of my lifetime and yet, every time an opportunity surfaces, self-sabotage is the way to go. The umpteen amount of “No”s I had thrown in my path that had diverted me away from many opportunities that would perhaps, have led me to a much more fascinating life. Or not. I guess I will never know.
It’s not to say my life isn’t fascinating. I have absolutely nothing to complain about. It feels like a crime if I do. I have got food on the table, roof above my head, a job that sometimes makes me want to toss myself out of the sixteenth floor but it does not entirely demand my physical presence so I can be on my bed, on a roof, on an elephant in Kenya and I can still get the job done (Just as long there’s internet connection). It is my father’s legacy since the 1980s. He has worked with his late father, my beloved granddad, and now, I him. We do argue, we exchange hurtful remarks, we cry, okay, I cry. But at the end of the day, we are family and nothing could ever change that. Sometimes, you will find me crying whilst googling about chemical names I have never even heard of and its properties, simultaneously, beating myself up for skipping school, predominantly, chemistry classes. In my defence, 17 year old me would never have thought that I would have to say things like methyl diethanolamine in the near future. Funny how life turns out. It is not a 9-5 kind of job, however, when the workload comes it strikes like a gigantic merciless tsunami and there are moments I thought I would combust from all that stress. It is the kind of job that I never thought I’d do but nevertheless, it is a job like no other and for that I am beyond grateful.
Besides, I get to relish on life’s simple pleasures. Occasionally, I get to buy nice things. So you see, complaining is a crime. And yet, despite having it all, I could still feel the gnawing sense that something is missing in my life. I often ask myself if this is it for me? Is this all what life has got to offer? Along the years, I could feel that I am slowly drifting away from what makes me feel most vital and alive. As you grow old, you are bombarded with many responsibilities and roles to play and the next thing you know, it makes sense to feel that you have lost touch with the person you truly are and the person who you’re meant to become. I have always longed for a more meaningful life and at this juncture, I am not quite certain if I am living the kind of life I have truly desired and as cliché as this probably sounds, i know in my heart that i am destined to do more, if it makes any sense. And on rainy nights like this, sometimes, I quite wonder if my life would have turned out to be different if I had said “Yes” to the opportunities I had sabotaged no thanks to my incessant worries and fears and paranoia. Would I have lived differently? Would I have achieved more greater things? Like climbing the Everest or be the next Mother Theresa.
I reckon, it doesn’t really matter now. I do not like to brood. I don’t know where this is going but my point is, I must stop holding myself back because of my incessant worries I tend conjure up every time an opportunity surfaces. Here’s to saying ‘yes’ more. Perhaps, my life will become more interesting and i get to unravel more finer things in life. And perhaps, i will find the missing piece.