Less than a year ago, if you had asked me about marriage, often, I’d end up sweating and trembling and have shortness of breath. It was a feeling akin to having your slightly obese brother sitting on your chest. Marriage seemed rather far-fetched from where I stood and the thought of being someone’s wife was, truthfully, nauseating. I remember having recurrent nightmares of which in majority of the time, it would go on something like this – me, standing in a beautifully adorned aisle with a white dress, and as I gradually turn to my right, there, stood the man I was going to marry. All suited up but somehow, oddly, headless. And there was the other recurrent nightmare where I’d find myself standing in between blank walls, with anxiety that felt so profound I could feel my heart thumping with fright, which, led me to become a runaway bride. It was terrifying that I often wake up sweating and heaving a deep sigh of relief knowing that it was all just a dream.
If you are in a relationship for so long, surely, this is something inevitable (unless you are adamant that marriage isn’t for you) and for that, it shouldn’t come off as something surprising now would it? I mean, what was I expecting? Surely, I must have thought about marriage at some point and yes, I do think of having children of my own but that image seemed rather obscure at that moment. (Still is) Funnily, I did give a thought about marriage when I was in my teenage years. I thought, I’d have my life all figured out by this time around. I’d be financially stable by the age of twenty-five and married by the age of twenty-six and perhaps, a child by the age of thirty. Life seemed so uncomplicated at that time. But I know now that you could plan and plan, but most of the time, nothing ever goes the way you plan and I know best that God is the best of planner. But for the past seven years, marriage was the last thing on my mind and if I had known that I would end up marrying this guy I met when I was nineteen, I would have said “ok how about we get together in like five years time because you are going to be mine anyway *Cue for evil laugh* .” Jk jk.
I remember telling Farrace to drop it whenever he raised the subject.
“So when we get married….”
“Are you kidding me? Hell no.”
“I didn’t say we’ll get married today….”
And every time he brought this up, I will be like
“I…………… can’t……………breathe!! HelppppP! I don’t know how to breathe!”
And it wasn’t a joke because I was honestly freaking out. I told him, if he were to propose me at that time, I would have unequivocally stormed off the building or jumped out of the moving car. There was no way I would say ‘yes’. I remember kneeling on my bedroom floor, asking from God for some sort of guidance that if he wasn’t the man I’d marry, please let me remain as this cold hearted ass and hopefully, we could part as friends because I knew deep in my heart that I couldn’t go through my days without having this man in my life. And if he was the man I’d marry, please, open up my heart for this dude. I did not want to squander his life away waiting for something that is uncertain, you see.
Truthfully, there was a time where I did not believe in marriage as I was surrounded by broken ones. I’ve seen how the man whom you thought you are going to spend the rest of your life with turn to be the person whom hate you the most and would do just about anything to hurt you. I’ve seen how the wife ends up with absolutely nothing whilst the man ends up marrying another one and lavishing on the new one and treating the ex like a panhandler. I’ve seen how the husband who is supposed to be your protector ends up giving you the reason to be protected. And on the other note, I have a few relatives who have opted for the single life and seem genuinely happy about it and for that, it was an option.
If I could pinpoint the moment where i had a change of heart, I would but I couldn’t. Months have passed and now I often find myself on Pinterest, searching for wedding dresses and wedding inspos. I look at this man and I thought, yes, I cannot imagine living life without him. I was watching a movie yesterday and the bride was giving a speech and she said,
“You like because, and you love despite. You like someone because of all their qualities and you love someone despite of their qualities,”
And that is what it is you see. There is no such thing as the ‘perfect’ partner as you were brought up to believe by Disney fairytales. They don’t always appear as the knight and shining armour, they don’t always ride a horse into our lives, looking charming with the hair pushed back, sometimes, they just walk into our lives, perhaps, not looking their best with qualities that you may dislike and yet, you end up loving them anyway because those qualities seem inconsequential compared to the part where you know that this person is the person you want to spend the rest of your lifetime with. Sometimes, they annoy you just by breathing and that’s okay too. You want to argue with him about that when you are ninety. Of course, you could live without this person but you know you don’t want to. And i guess, love doesn’t always come off as something vivid or apparent at first and sometimes, you can’t just ‘know’ that your partner is the one. It takes a lot of bumpy roads to take you there and that’s okay too.
I will always be anxious about marriage until the day comes but this time around, it is a good kind of anxiety. If you are reading this, i hope you’ll find someone who knows your worth and values you. Marriage isn’t just about that wedding day of yours. That is the beginning of a new chapter and i hope you’ll find someone, despite all the qualities you may dislike, you love them and wholeheartedly accept them anyway. I hope you’ll find someone who will make you smile along the way even during the darkest times; and trust one another wholeheartedly because both of you are deserving of one another’s trust. I hope you’ll marry your best friend because you could tell them every single thing without second thought. I hope you’ll find someone who would love you and your flabby belly thanks to all the comfort food you’ve been binging on whilst watching Netflix on the couch looking like you’ve given up on life. I hope you’ll find someone that whenever you are in trouble, your partner is the first person you could think of because you know s/he, without a doubt, will be there for you.
Fortunately for me, i have found that guy.
And with that, i guess, marriage doesn’t seem so bad after all.