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Thoughts

Losing a light.

I am writing this with a red and blotchy face and squinty eyes from all the crying i have been doing since two days ago. My love, my heart, my soul, or as you’d like to call it, my ‘cat’, went missing a few days ago and this morning, i woke up to the news that he is home but his soul has returned to the Almighty. I only had a glimpse of his cold motionless body and ran back inside the house because i couldn’t and i did not want to see the rest of it. That face, that face i have loved so dearly….

I had taken care of him since January. My maid had brought him home because his mother did not want to take care of him and their owner would not let them inside the house. They made them live outside the house, that little newborn baby.  I fell in love with him the moment i saw him. Those big blue eyes and those cute little paws. He loved covering his eyes with his paw, just like what a human baby would do, i reckon. At that moment, our 11 year old cat had just passed away. Boben came just like a sun to our gloomy life (My mom is famous with giving weird names to our cats). At that moment, i had my other cat, White, whom i loved so dearly. She would sleep in my arms and give me massages. My other love of my life….until she was diagnosed with some fatal disease and left us a few days after Boben arrived. That bored a hole through my heart. But Boben was there, looking at me with his big blue eyes and made the pain somewhat bearable.

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I took care of him like a child. Before him, there was no way i was getting anywhere near the litter box or wiping their butt but with him, it was different. He did not know how to clean himself after he was done with his business, and so, i had to wipe his butt clean. Sometimes, he would step on his poop and it’s disgusting but i would clean it anyway. He would sleep next to me on my bed, until he grew up a little and probably thought it’s embarrassing to sleep with me… *rolls eyes* There were moments where he was sick and that broke my heart. I would stay up all night with him, wrap himself with a towel in hopes that i could make him feel comfortable. I would feed him and i would give him medicines. God forbid, it is the hardest thing to do because he would hide the pill behind his teeth and spat it out when i am not looking. Sneaky little boy. During the early course of his life, he would get sick easily and i stopped counting how many times i had to bring him to the vet. And there was a time where he was a couple of months old and he somehow, escaped home and got lost. We were looking for him for two days and somehow, someone found him and brought him home. It was a miracle. I had to monitor his every move. I would let him play outside but i would be sitting at the corner with a book or something in my hand, you know, just watching him play.

As he grew older, he knew how to get home and he was always playing nearby. He was a lazy fat cat and he wouldn’t travel far. He was still a baby after all. He was so playful it’s unbelievable. He loved playing hide and seek with me. He would hide behind the door and stand on his two little legs when i sneaked up to him, his face was always smiling. I know it doesn’t make sense but it’s true. He was a happy happy cat. I had been spoiling him since the day i got him. I would buy the best of the best of things and food for him. It isn’t cheap because he eats a lot, a lot. But that’s fine with us. He is family. He is our baby. All we wanted was for him to be healthy and happy and chubby. He used to pant like a dog when he was little, it worried me too much but he stopped after he got older. And the cutest thing is that he looooves to lie on his back and have his legs spread out when he sleeps… Going on holidays is not easy because i will miss him a little too much. Going on dates too. I think of him every time. When i was in Japan for two weeks, i made my boyfriend drove all the way to my house almost everyday just to take care of him and he did.

Next month would have been his first birthday. I did think of throwing him a small birthday party.. It is so hard to lose something you love so so dearly. I can’t imagine having to lose my parents. Just like what i saw in the news. Mothers weeping for their child, child weeping for their parents… It is devastating and i know, it is much much worse. But at this precise moment, it is truly the worst thing that has happened to me. I feel like screaming my lungs out, but i couldn’t. The pain is inexplicable. I am hurt and i am lost. I am not entirely sure what i can do except to rely on time and God to give me strength. I know, it will get better. But the scar will forever remain in my heart.

Life is indeed vicious. Everyone has to go through something like this, losing something or someone they love so so much. And we have no other choice but to pick up the pieces and move on. And with that, if you are reading this and have experienced something like this, if not, worse, you are a strong person. And the fact that, the world is temporary and if you are a believer, the thought that we will all be reunited soon makes everything a little easier….I hope that someday, the things that i have done for these cats, the love i have given them, are enough for me to be reunited with them again.

Until then,

I love you so so much Boben. I miss you so much and you will forever be in my heart. You will always be my little boy. My light.

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Simply a girl who finds joy in writing, traveling and designing.

One Comment

  • Lyana Rosalini

    innalillahiwainnailaihirojiun. I am very sorry for your lost Sara. I may not know Boben, but i understand your lost. Boben looked ravishing! a handsome young cat. He looked well fed and well taken care of. I’m sure he is thanking you right now for all the sleepless nights, effort and love you have given him. Even if it wasn’t for as long as you wished it to be, Boben was given a home, a loving family and a bed for him to sleep every night. Imagine if you didn’t come across him, or if he didn’t find you. What fate would he have to go through. But because of you and your family he lived as a happy fatty cat. He had a momma.
    I’m sure he will eternally be grateful to have met you Sara. May you, Boben, White and your other cats be united in the afterlife, in heaven inshaaAllah.

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