This time last year, i remember being at this precise spot, curled up in my bed, knowing deep in my heart that this year would be an onerous one. I remember telling my mom this, “Something tells me that i have to equip myself for funerals.” A part of me knew it was going to be filled with sadness and grief. I wish i was wrong….
Unfortunately, true enough, the first week of January, i had lost my cat who had been with me for 10 years. Two days later, another baby of mine who had been sleeping in my arms for a year and giving me massages when i need not, was diagnosed with an incurable cat illness and passed away as well. That broke me. A few days later, her brother joined her. And yet, even the darkest time, we were sent this bright light and strength in a form of a cute round blue eyed baby (I have posted about him recently). I see him as a form of miracle. Weeks later, his beautiful sister came into our lives and brought us the greatest joy until one day, i had to come home to her, dying at the corner of the room. She drew her last breath in my arms. And just when i thought when things could not get any worse, my light, my baby, my heart, left me for good. It has been weeks and i reckon, it is the kind of heartbreak that you could never truly recover from. His passing bored a hole through my heart and it pains me to even talk about it still.
I reckon, despite its inevitability, or how many times you have endured ‘death’, you can never truly get used to it. Every time it surfaces, it breaks your heart into pieces and takes a part of you with it until there’s nothing left for it to take. But that’s just a small picture. Sure, you can dwell on it as much as you could but life doesn’t stop there, does it? It will not push the pause button for you just so you could be ‘unbroken’ again. The only clever option is to keep on moving. I reckon, the bigger picture is, death is simply just a lesson for the living — to ensure that you are not squandering your life away, for, life is indeed short; and for that, you need to be mindful of the things you do; you need to set your priorities straight, and perhaps, truly reconsider your true purpose in life.
Despite everything, there were also moments where i was genuinely happy. I did some travelling in between those adversities. Syaira and I had gone to Bali for the second time and officially launched our brand, Soleil a couple of weeks after. We received an overwhelming response and for that, i am immensely grateful. Mother and i had about five weekend getaways to Singapore this year. In November, dad decided to bring the entire family to Japan and it was one of the highlights of my year. And tomorrow, i will be driving up to Penang to welcome a brand new year with some friends. Truthfully, i can’t quite recall the last time i actually celebrated new year’s eve, i was always with my family and that was all i needed, still is. But this year, since my dad is away, i thought, why not? It has been an awful year after all and a part of me could not wait to bid farewell to it.
I wish that if you are reading this, with every adversity that is to come, know that you are not alone. Know that, you can get through this even if it seems like you are standing at the edge of a cliff. Know that, behind all that, there is always a greater purpose that you may or may not understand just yet. Be patient, my loves, we will get through this.
I have always loved the scent of a new book. Perhaps, just perhaps, if God wills it, 2018 will be the year for me.
Let’s bid farewell to 2017. You’ve been quite a handful.